Healthy communication is imperative to most relationships. Although communication styles are complicated and different, there are three signs that may indicate that you are dealing with a toxic communicator....READ ORIGINAL & FULL CONTENT FROM SOURCE | READ ORIGINAL & FULL CONTENT FROM SOURCE...
A Lack of Active Listening
First, if the person with whom you are interacting does not momentarily reflect on what you said, and instead immediately interjects their thoughts, it may be a problem. Most active listeners pause after someone offers a sentiment, and they reflect on the material. However, if the person fails to acknowledge your perspective and instantly launches their own diatribe, they are dismissing yours.
By immediately rejecting your viewpoint and asserting their own, they convey an attitude of, “you are wrong, so I am canceling what you say and overruling it.” This can be infuriating. Often, you may want to continually re-state your viewpoint, so they get it, but it can feel like you are “banging your head against the wall.”
The person usually continues to disregard you and seems to get satisfaction out of seeing you frustrated. Then, they point the finger at you and accuse you of being “out of control.”
This situation can be difficult, and after becoming upset, even though it is understandable, you may feel as though you are the “toxic” one. However, this may not be true. In a relationship, people need to actively listen to one another. They do not have to agree, but they must acknowledge the other person’s thoughts because it is respectful and essential to the vitality of the relationship. For example, “You bring up an interesting point.
I never thought about it that way. I don’t want to change our current plans, but I think we should consider this for the next project.” The person does not agree, but they listen, reflect, and communicate an understanding of your position. Then, they acknowledge the relevance of your argument and validate that it is important for next time.
Parallel Communication
Second, when the person resists deepening the conversation and continually asserts their experience, it is a phenomenon that I refer to as “parallel communication.” For example, you offer a poignant story about your daughter, but instead of asking a question to enrich the conversation, they immediately counter with a story about their daughter.
You may then ask them a question to deepen the communication, but they dismiss it and say something general, “That’s parenting. Just cannot win.” If they do this repeatedly, they are keeping the communication superficial. They do not really care about understanding something about you or sharing something meaningful about themselves. They may prefer to stay on the surface where they are comfortable.
You may find yourself getting bored and frustrated with a person who communicates like this. You probably possess empathy and occasionally need a meaningful conversation. A person who is curious about your experience, how you made meaning out of it, and vice versa, may be a person who can be close in a relationship.
A person who stays on the surface and prefers to keep the conversation superficial and about themselves may be a dysfunctional communicator. In this situation, it may be best to relate to this person as a “buddy” or a “chum.” They are someone with whom you can have a few laughs with occasionally, but not much else.
Disrespectful Disagreement
Third, a person who does not like to hear about a feeling or opinion that is not the same as theirs and reacts defensively by attacking your character may be a toxic communicator. For example, you are sharing with your dad that you have decided to return to school to launch a new facet of your career. He appears angry and says, “Why would you do that!? That is so selfish. How are you going to afford sending your kids to that expensive school? I didn’t raise you to be like this.”
It is OK for people to disagree with you, but communicating their opposition in a respectful manner is essential to healthy interactions. For example, “I am surprised to hear that, but I want to know more. Also, are you going to be able to keep the kids at their school?”
The individual who immediately insinuates that you are a “bad person” because you have expressed a viewpoint that they do not share may be emotionally mistreating you. A person who continually responds in this manner may believe that they are always right, and they perceive anyone who disagrees with them as “bad.”
If this is your predicament, it may be important to keep your important and private matters to yourself. The person you are involved with has lost the privilege to know important aspects of your private life because they are not safe with that information. It may be best to discuss personal matters with a person who is a safe confidant.
Toxic communicators can be destructive. A person who immediately dismisses you and overrules your viewpoint by talking over you may be a problem. Also, an individual who brings everything back to them and cannot deepen the conversation by asking meaningful questions may be a parallel communicator.
Finally, a person who quickly attacks your character because they disagree and cannot be respectful about it may be the most destructive type of communicator.
You can find additional information on how to handle toxic communicators and dysfunctional relationships in my new book, How to Outsmart a Narcissist: Use Emotional Intelligence to Regain Control at Home, at Work, and in Life.