Dating someone who’s been cheated on before can be a delicate situation, requiring patience, understanding, and a commitment to helping them learn to trust again — trust you and their instincts about you.... CLICK TO READ THE FULL NEWS HERE▶▶
Unimaginable as it may be, especially in times of doubt (yours and theirs), it is possible to enjoy a healthy relationship independent of a person’s past betrayal trauma by doing the following.
Learn about the person you’re dating
To build a healthy and supportive connection, Julie Iannone, LCSW, a New York City-based psychotherapist, says, “It’s important for both individuals to be curious about one another’s life.”
She suggests taking time to get to know and understand this new person in your life and learn about the important experiences that have shaped them. According to Iannone, the Gottmans call this building love maps, which can deepen friendship and intimacy.
Iannone cautions against making assumptions about a person’s behavior or reactions, given how their past hurt may make them more guarded or skeptical about certain situations. If they seem overly concerned about your interactions with others, it won’t necessarily be about distrusting you but a lingering fear from their past.
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Instead of getting angry or defensive, Cassie Zampa-Keim, a matchmaker based in the San Francisco Bay Area, says to “try to reassure them with your words and, more importantly, your actions that you are committed and trustworthy.”
Build trust gradually
The scars left behind by betrayal run deep and can affect the betrayed individual’s trust in and perception of relationships. “A person that’s been hurt by betrayal,” Iannone says, “will be on guard for cues that you may hurt them, too.”
Trust between you must, therefore, be built slowly and steadily. To that end, share your plans for daily activities and be open about your social interactions. This doesn’t mean you must provide a detailed report of your day. Rather, offer insights to help the person you’re dating feel included and secure. Regular communication goes a long way in alleviating a betrayed person’s fears.
Iannone says, “not to forget to be honest about how you feel, what you need, and your expectations in the relationship.”
Be consistent
“Consistency is another aspect of building trust,” Iannone says, “so follow through, show up, and be consistent.”
Your actions should also align with your words. If you say you’ll call, call. If you promise to spend time together, follow through. “How you behave,” Iannone says, “will demonstrate whether you are someone they can trust.”
These seemingly small acts of reliability can significantly impact an untrusting person’s sense of security in a burgeoning relationship.
Additionally, watch for their triggers and work with them to create a safe environment where they feel respected and valued.
When conflicts arise (and they will) between you and someone you’re interested in building a relationship with, handle them with care. Avoid dismissing their concerns or reacting defensively. Instead, approach disagreements calmly with understanding.
Acknowledge their feelings and work together to find solutions that reassure them of your commitment. Zampa-Keim says, “Every step you take demonstrates reliability and empathy, which can strengthen your bond over time.”
Create a safe environment for a potential relationship partner
Creating a supportive environment means more than being there for a potential partner. You must foster a relationship where they feel safe, cherished, and understood. Iannone says, “During a conflict, take accountability for your part, and try to be nonjudgmental and nondefensive, even if you disagree.”
Encouraging open conversation about their feelings and concerns and listening attentively is a start. “Being a good listener,” Iannone says, “means listening to understand rather than to respond.”
You might find the person you’re dating struggling to express their insecurities, fearing judgment or rejection. Check yourself to make sure you’re not doing this. Then, assure the new person in your life that their feelings are valid without minimizing them. Iannone says, “Acknowledge that you hear how they feel and refrain from trying to fix things or offer solutions.”
Additionally, show appreciation for any steps they’ve taken toward healing. Whether they opened up about their past or demonstrated somehow that they’re becoming more trusting of you, acknowledge their efforts and the courage it took them to get there. Zampa-Keim says, “Positive reinforcement can help a person who’s been betrayed in the past by a relationship partner feel more secure and valued.”
Respect the other person’s boundaries
Honor boundaries set by the person you’re dating that protect their need for space to deal with their feelings when insecure or overwhelmed. Iannone says, “When you respect their boundaries, it shows them you care about how they feel and what they need and that you’re willing and capable of putting their needs ahead of your own.”
While you might be eager to move the relationship forward, they may need to move slower, processing as they go along. Iannone emphasizes how this behavior can help establish trust and safety in the relationship.
Respecting the other person’s boundaries not only shows you care about their well-being and are willing to prioritize their needs, but it can also significantly reduce their anxiety and help them feel more comfortable.
Iannone says, “If you’re feeling hurt or pushed away by their boundaries, ask for clarity to help you understand why this boundary is so important for them.”
In addition to providing emotional support, suggest counseling. Therapy can offer a potential partner the tools they need to process their past hurt and build healthier relationships. Offer to accompany or support them in seeking therapy, but don’t push. They should feel in control of their own healing.
Honor your needs
Supporting someone through their healing can be emotionally taxing. Iannone says it can help to “be honest with yourself and them about your needs.”
Zampa-Keim recommends keeping trusted confidants close to lean on.
“Your honesty,” Iannone says, “reveals your willingness to be vulnerable with your partner, trust them to care about your feelings, and respond to your needs.”
“This,” Zampa-Keim says, “signifies you’re in a healthy relationship despite past hurt.”
