While it’s natural for long-term relationships to go through many different stages of discomfort, a truly healthy marriage revolves around trust and open communication. When one partner gets to the stage of feeling controlled by their spouse, forced to do things and act in a certain way to appease the other, it’s not just trust that’s sabotaged, but feelings of understanding and respect that are essential in a healthy relationship.
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In addition to other behaviors like gaslighting, blame-shifting, and overstepping boundaries, like clinical psychologist Lori Lawrenz argues are key tactics for a controlling partner, there are several other things a husband should never feel forced to do for his wife. From emotional expectations to household responsibilities, it’s essential that open communication sparks relationship roles and standards, rather than one sole partner simply telling the other what to do.
1. Take the blame in arguments
Psychotherapist Tonya Lester, LCSW argues that blame-shifting behavior often stems from narcissistic tendencies in a partner. For example, a husband brings up a point of tension in the relationship and immediately he’s forced to comfort his wife, rather than deal with the issues at hand with open honest communication.
This cycle of blame-shifting can be detrimental both for relationship health and the emotional health of both partners, sparking more stress, anxiety, and uncertainty in everyone’s life. When a partner resorts to playing the victim, they not only contribute to a toxic atmosphere where their spouse is consistently unheard, but also growing resentful under the burden of misguided accountability.
2. Isolate himself from his friendships
Many people with an insecure attachment style struggle with dividing their time between their personal relationships, like friendships and family, and their romantic partners, but they also find it difficult to comfortably cope with their partner’s personal lives, as well.
Like a study from Child Development suggests, people with insecure attachments often live in toxic cycles of loneliness — growing disconnected with their spouses in adulthood from behaviors like encouraging them to spend all their time and energy on a marriage.
Even if it’s something as subtle as an eye roll, cutting off their friendships or investing little time in other connections is one of the things a husband should never feel forced to do for his wife, no matter how insecurely attached they feel in a marriage.
3. Accept disrespectful behavior or unnecessary critique
While disrespect can take many forms in a marriage, from constant nagging to overstepping boundaries, the nature of its consequences for partners is what makes it so harmful for long-term relationships.
According to psychologist Sabrina Romanoff, disrespectful partners can spark a range of uncomfortable emotions in their partners, from insecurity to uncertainty and even resentment that grows into anger and disconnection. While it’s possible to overcome disrespectful tendencies in a marriage, tolerating it is one of the things a husband should never feel forced to do for his wife.
With the right communication style and conflict resolution skills, nobody should be simply tolerating misbehavior in a marriage, but rather, addressing toxic moments as they arise.
4. Give up his hobbies and interests
According to Rebecca Williams, LMFT, partners who have their own separate hobbies and interests tend to bring more richness and fulfillment to their relationships.
By spending time apart, focusing on building their individuality and fulfilling their own personal needs, they can show up better for their partner when they do come together.
However, many partners with insecure attachment styles or overbearing tendencies in a marriage encourage their partners to spend all their time and energy on them, cutting out hobbies and friendships that divide their time.
A truly healthy partner would never force their spouse to sacrifice something that brings them genuine joy, even if it’s just a hobby.
If it becomes a problem of quality time, where a hobby is taking up too much time in a partner’s life, healthy communication can help marital couples to resolve that problem together, rather than simply expecting someone to completely cut it out.
5. Spend every second of the day together
Quality time doesn’t always look the same for every relationship and at different stages in a couple’s life, the way they prioritize it in a way that works for everyone involved is incredibly important.
Whether it’s planned dates, like experts argue are important for long-term partners, or recharging together after a long day, quality time helps couples to bond, communicate, and meet each other’s needs.
However, spending 100% of your time with a partner isn’t always the “quality” we’re expecting, and can actually be detrimental to each person’s emotional health.
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